Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
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I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
first you must answer his riddles
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.