– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Breaking news:
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!