For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.