VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
You Might Also Like
found this cool rock hiking today
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK