[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.