Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
somebody come look at this
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.