I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop