The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
We have a winner.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Breaking news:
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
me: my friends: