This is no longer winter this is harassment
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.