Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I was just discussing this with my cat
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.