Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.