Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.