You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
lol
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.