I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
the council will decide your fate
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn鈥檛 quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That鈥檚 not how it鈥檒l read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 馃槱
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who鈥檚 distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won鈥檛 be giving further details at this time.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn鈥檛 talking to me anymore.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 馃槼
Oh you鈥檙e a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they鈥檇 eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they鈥檙e almost the same age.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”