9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
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[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food