All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
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Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”