Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
🛁
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Aaaa…CHOO!
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.