Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
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me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.