*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis