“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
they split up moments later
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working