Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
You Might Also Like
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Had to try this trend 😊
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.