Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.