I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha