Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
cat vs inanimate object
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”