Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
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Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room