My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time