I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
<—- homeless romantic
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
This is always good for a laugh.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*