Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
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WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…