I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
You Might Also Like
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.