Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
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A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My friend is an excellent librarian.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED