I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
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Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too