Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
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Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
#winning
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?