How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
My blood type is coffee.