Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
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I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.