My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
You Might Also Like
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.