that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.