The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?