You Might Also Like
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped