‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.