There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
You are what you delete.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*