sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
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This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
taking June’s advice to heart
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.