Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right