Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
same energy
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.