Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
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me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.