Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!