Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
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[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story