My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
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if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
even bears disappoint their mothers
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.