My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.