Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
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I have a new favorite meme page
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples