“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
This makes total sense…
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.